Saturday, July 28, 2012

Second verse, same as the first?

As I was doing my paper route this evening, I rounded the corner of a block and saw a little boy ahead of me with a bicycle helmet on. As I got closer, I could hear him talking and then realized he was talking to me. "Hey," he said. "You wanna see me ride my bike with no training wheels?"
"Sure" I told him and sat down on the steps leading up to his house. I was glad for the break.
He started out wobbly but soon got going a little faster and rode about 10 yards and stopped. He glanced back at me with this huge grin on his face. His round little sweaty face just lit up when I started clapping. He turned around slowly and rode back to where I was sitting. I asked him how old he was and he held up one hand and said five.
As I stood up to get back to my walking, his dad peeked out the front door and called his name. We parted ways and that sweet little fella will never know how much he brightened my day.

My kids were that little once. A long time ago.
I know it is silly to say, but I miss my children. Yes, we are close and talk on the phone/text/email/chat almost daily, but I miss the family that we used to have when they were little. I miss being a mother, I guess. The bf's kids have a mother and frankly they are none to happy with me as a friend, let alone a mother figure. I am sure all this melancholiness (is that a word?) is because my middle child is moving 1,200 miles away in a few days. I know in my head that as a 22 year old man, he will be fine. But my heart breaks just a little, knowing that I can't just pick up and see him on a moment's notice. I will be less a part of his life now and that hurts. I know I sound like a selfish bitch, and you can go ahead and call me one. I have been called worse. I am really very happy for him and his new job in the career field he wants. I know it sounds like I am not, but I am. Blah, blah, mama's half nuts.

Some days I think I should adopt or foster parent. But then others, I think whoo boy am I glad I don't have to have little kids around anymore. Anyone else feel like that?

This summer has been the summer of tears for me. (Wow when I typed that I thought of the paintings about the Trail of Tears with American Indians in them. I won't be THAT melodramatic to believe that my summer of tears is nearly that bad. But.)  I fight depression and anxiety all the time, but at the end of April my meds stopped being effective. So the dr prescribed a new and different drug. That screwed me over big time. I couldn't sleep at night at all and during the days I felt drugged/sedated. So. I weaned down off that one and now am on Well Butrin. So far, so good. I am still down and situational things set me off, but I am back to feeling hopeful about the future again, which is something I guess. I had not been that depressed for a long time, if ever that depressed really. There were black thoughts, self harm, etc... rolling around in my head, but I quickly talk myself out of that kind of stuff no matter how depressed I am. I would NEVER do that to my children. Ever. I hate being such an emotional person. I cry over everything and anything and that really must stop. But probably not til after my son leaves for Texas, I am trying to prepare myself and not be a blubbering idiot when I see him the last time, but hey, I make no promises.

I have had several job interviews in my field recently and am hoping that at least one of them will hire me. Financially, I really (emphasis on REALLY) need to get back to work. I have basically sold/pawned everything I own. Besides a car and my camera. So. I need a job and we will leave it at that.

I have one final semester of college and will be done in December. I am super happy about that and hopefully I can get my business running and at least make enough money to live on. Fingers crossed.

So basically this first post back makes me sound like a blubbering lunatic, huh? I will try to be a bit more upbeat in the posts to come, but again, no promises.

So as Ellen says at the end of every show "Be kind to one another". xo

1 comment:

  1. It's what's happening in your life. Sometimes I feel like that, too!